Once upon a time. A blog post with reading resources for children and single parent families By Louise Hall
Have you got fond memories of being read to, escaping into books or would you not be seen dead with a book in your hand?
Whatever your experience, I can promise the benefits of reading together with your child far outweigh any negatives. This is why I wanted to start with why reading matters, before moving in to books I use in my Play Therapy practice and at home with my son. Reading means that children are introduced to people and families that do and don’t look like them. Their minds are broadened, their ideas sharpened and their potentials and possibilities unlocked. If you’re not a big reading fan, audio books TOGETHER and read aloud on YouTube (other streaming channels are available!) will have a similar effect.
The closeness that comes from shared reading has been shown to boost oxytocin, improving the relationship with your child and providing them with a chance to grow. Oxytocin is the hormone that helps children to calm down when we’re not present with them, and is heavily influenced by the environment around a child. For this reason, we need to be careful about the withholding of reading as a punishment – what they hear is, my parent doesn’t want to spend time with me tonight, not that this is a consequence of their choices. However, typically, our children will also 100% get if we are feeling tired, frustrated and not wanting to connect at that moment in time so we need to take time to ensure we’re ready for reading time as well. If you are a foster or adoptive parent, or even parenting a child that has witnessed domestic violence, you will know how much the tone of voice we have matters and reading is a safe place for children of all ages to explore other tones of voice, and other people’s perspectives.
Side note! Don’t think that being the parent of a teenager excludes you from this power of reading aloud with your young person! I attended the most wonderful training with Steve Killick, formerly of Barnardos, a Clinical Psychologist specialising in grief and loss. He shared about the important practice of storytelling without books, which cuts across cultures, creates lasting memories and enables young people to have confidence in themselves – especially those whom school, or something else has made them believe, falsely, that they’re not readers. See this article here for more ideas: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/feb/09/why-i-read-aloud-to-my-teenagers
I also love A Mighty Girl as a resource bank for sooo many books that tackle hard subject topics. I’m yet to find the male alternative which is a pain as a boy mama but I do want him to have healthy views of girls and women so it’s definitely a top recommendation -
https://www.amightygirl.com/books
When I knew I was about to become a single parent with my 3 year old, I fully went into control mode and told my ex-husband to hold fire on telling our son until I could find a good book to explain it all! Here’s some of the few we used and found, and would love to hear yours. I’m aware that families can start in so many different ways and so have tried to include some books regarding surrogacy and same-sex couples. When we start work with a child in Play Therapy, we have a really extensive review with their carers and sometimes that can lead to a few different books and specific toys going in or out of my kit. As most of the work in non-directive and led by the child, they may not ever look at them, but they are there in case one day they would like to pick them up. I recommend always having read through a book yourself first if it is one that deals with a challenging subject topic so you’re not surprised!
Recommended books about and for single parent homes
Pre-school
What Makes a Baby by SEVEN STORIES PRESS
I haven’t read this one yet but will be getting it! Clear and straightforward, with lots of family structures there.
The less stories, like Storks, birds and bees we can give about the facts of life the better. You’re empowering children, not fast-forwarding them into ‘delinquent’ behaviour. A child is more likely to say no to something they know about, than something that has been shamefully hidden from them.
Family Break-Up: My Family's Changing by Wayland
I haven’t read this but had to include it as it’s the language we used- we were letting my son know he was not responsible for his parent’s choices, and that he would still have family, just that it was changing a bit. He will now happily say he has 4 homes, mine, his dad’s, Grandma and Grandad’s. I don’t ‘correct’ him as it’s his viewpoint and family is what we make it.
Horton Hatches the Egg: Yellow Back Book By Dr. Seuss
Fab for foster and adoptive parents as well as single parents, it shows how you don’t need to share the same bloodline to love each other well, and how we have more than enough love for our children.
With characters and rhymes the children will recognise, you may even get some serotonin from giggles, too! There are some sad bits for sensitive souls though, so don’t be upset if your child feels they can’t finish it, yet.
Primary
The Great Big Book of Families by Lincoln Children's Books
This is a lovely clear book that children can identify with; for themselves and other people in their schools. I’ll always remember when my son came home from a reception class and said, Mummy, do you know (child) lives with their mum AND dad?! His mind was blown, perhaps as I’d made sure that we met up with other single parents to try and normalise the new situation we were now in.
Two Nests by Lincoln Children's Books
I can’t tell you how much this book soothed both my son and I, at many times when he has questions. I completed training on writing therapeutic stories for children and families recently, and the majority of it focussed on how child-friendly animals are and non-threatening because it’s not directly about them. This book is especially helpful if your child sees both parents but in different homes/at different times.
As my 8 year old just looked at my work while doing his classwork, I asked for his review and he said; “oh yeah, it’s a very, very good book”. He had first had this read to him when he was 3 and that’s a good review from him!
If you are a single parent due to bereavement, then these are some beautiful, and heart-wrenching stories about loss that children can resonate with. I recommend the Cruse resources page, too. Free booklets - for children, young people and their carers | Cruse Bereavement Care
The Paper Dolls by Macmillan Children's Books
The Heart and the Bottle by HarperCollinsChildren’sBooks
Badger's Parting Gifts: 35th Anniversary Edition of a picture book to help children deal with death by Andersen Press
Cry Heart, But Never Break by Enchanted Lion Books
I haven’t used this website but it was recommended to me by another practitioner for children who arrived earthside as part of an IVF process.
There seems to be a wide range to choose from.
https://creatingafamily.org/infertility/suggested-books-for-adults-and-kids/children-conceived/
Secondary
You Are A Champion: Unlock Your Potential, Find Your Voice and Be The BEST You Can Be by Macmillan Children's Books
Marcus Rashford is currently showing teenagers (and adults!) how to think about other people, and how being raised in a one parent household influenced him positively. He has a book coming out in May that I think will be one to watch out for.
The Suitcase Kid
Who doesn’t love Jacqueline Wilson? Turning labels on their head, this book is from a young person’s point of view and someone trusted could ask the young person reading it if they have ever felt like this.
(The Illustrated Mum also has a single parent in – and something my mum warned me not to become when I showed her a tattoo I got a few years ago!)
Help! My Family Is Driving Me Crazy!
Ah teens, working out the world one argument at a time! Hang in there, they are learning you do love them unconditionally and that you are not going anywhere. I really recommend Rachel Macy Stafford to follow on social media for tips on parenting teens with grace and kindness.
Adults
I can’t find this online anywhere at the moment unfortunately but may be worth an ask around as children were consulted for the writing of this book. Bear in mind who funded it (a family law agency and children’s counselling service) but it’s still from the horse’s mouth, as it were.
https://parentzone.org.uk/divorce-self-help-book-places-children-first
Mishcon de Raya and Place2Be
Adult Children of Divorce: Confused Love Seekers
Okay, so handle with care! I’m not saying that all children who are affected by divorce will have trouble in their future love life, but as I mentioned in my training delivered to Single Parents Wellbeing in November 2020, divorce is in my family timeline and it meant I didn’t necessarily have a positive view of love and relationships.
I’m not sure if you already follow Ellemental Mama on Facebook but you absolutely should if not. Here are some more books and those with single parents in, rather than focussing on their relationship status. Single Parent Children's Books - Ellamental Mama
Recommended books for general emotional health and literacy
I’ve given my opinion a lot in the last section so this time I’m going to share the books on our bookshelf and in my Play Therapy kit that children, and their carers, are drawn to. With these books I have seen brave children start to tackle difficult and challenging situations, while feeling less alone and improving their language to describe their emotional health.
The Boy Who Built a Wall Around Himself
In My Heart: A Book of Feelings (Growing Hearts)
How Are You Feeling Today Baby Bear?: Exploring Big Feelings After Living in a Stormy Home
Gilly the Giraffe Self-Esteem Activity Book: A Therapeutic Story with Creative Activities for Children Aged 5-10 (Therapeutic Treasures Collection)
Some top tips for Reading for Pleasure:
- This is not a teaching moment (even though they’ll be learning, as will you!) so no need to correct reading pronunciation
- If your child shares something you weren’t expecting to hear, don’t feel you have to answer or address it right there. ‘This sounds really important to you/that I hear this. Can we talk about this again please?’ And make sure that you do go back to it!
They may not have realised they could share feelings with you before
- If your child can’t tolerate healthy touch then sharing the same blanket to cwtch under/finding a den in their room will speak to them – they are learning that you will respect their boundaries and so in time they can share this with peers
- Amazing your family with the ‘stories in your head’ is a fabulous skill to engage in, too! If you have a child that likes to draw/be active, needs to be doing something else when you’re talking, they can doodle or add ideas to the story – nothing is too fantastical! Allowing a child to engage in fantasy play is really important, if they can’t share dreams with you, who can they?
There’s a lot of information there but I would love to hear your experiences of sharing stories with your tribe.
Louise Hall, Single Mum, Company Director – Voyage of Hope Therapy Services Ltd
I am happy for fellow members of Single Parents Wellbeing to contact me on therapy@vohts.co.uk for therapy enquiries and resource requests or training@vohts.co.uk if you work for an organisation that is keen to support parents and/or learn more about children’s mental health.