5 Ways You Can Explore Embodied Pleasure For Healing- By Trainee Embodiment and Sexual Wellness Practitioner Rachel Siân
Pleasure is a positive and inherent part of who we are as humans. We are biologically designed to experience pleasure in a multitude of ways, via our five senses. Furthermore, our eros can be viewed as not just our libido, but our life force, creativity and the very essence of who we are. However, people’s upbringings or distressing or traumatic life events can take their toll on their relationship to pleasure. For some, experiencing pleasure can bring feelings of guilt or shame, or of feeling selfish and not being deserving of it. Some single parents report having a low libido after the relationship with the other parent breaks down. I am a single parent, and this happened to me. I am also a Trainee Embodiment and Sexual Wellness Practitioner, so have some professional as well as personal insight. All of the responses above are completely normal and common. It is also usually possible to move through and transform them. This article will explore how consciously practising embodied pleasure can be a healing form of self-care.
Over the last couple of decades, sex toys have moved into the mainstream, taboos have been busted, and the sexual wellness industry is booming. The days of sneaky visits to side-alley sex shops for what used to be called “marital aids” are, thankfully, long-gone. Boots pharmacy has an entire department named Sexual Pleasure and Wellbeing. There has been an increase in film-makers offering porn which is ethical and aimed at women, such as Erika Lust and Joybear. There are also audio erotica and guided “medibation” apps such as Dipsea and Ferly. There are many ways in which we can combine our love of sensual gratification and retail therapy. Sexual wellness industry sales figures have shown an increase during the pandemic as there has been more of an inward focus, individuals “doing the work”, and wanting to feel good. While many people reported an anxiety-fuelled dip in their libido, others experienced a widening of their sexual repertoire, including use of technology. One example of this is when Killing Kittens – one of the world’s most exclusive sex clubs – moved their parties online when the first lockdown was announced. Some of KK’s single members reported that, not only did interacting with other members provide a channel for their erotic energy, but also a support system which helped them stay level-headed and less lonely.
An alternative way of exploring sensual pleasure, championed by Dr Joseph Kramer – founder of Sexological Bodywork – is based on Taoist practices and is “free of props, fantasy and habit”. Mindful self-pleasure is a meditatory practice which explores sensuality and lower levels of arousal via self-touch. Trauma specialist Staci Haines states that being “checked in” or present is a learned skill that takes practice and work, and that it may seem strange at first to have your attention on your experience. To practise being “checked in”, bring your focus and attention into your own body, sensations, emotions and thoughts. People who meditate regularly will recognise that the principles are the same, with the added element of self-touch. There is a variety of ways this can be explored and experimented with (please see further reading below). But even if the more erotic practices do not speak to you, mindful activities may be very welcome by the sluggish “pandemic brain” that many single parents are only too familiar with. Neurology experts may have found that social isolation and stress have had profound impacts on the brain, but they also have faith in neuroplasticity and the ability to accelerate the brain’s bounce back from recent circumstances, as we start to engage more fully with the outside world than we have in over a year.
Psychologist Dr Donald Mosher proposed that people utilise Three Psychological Dimensions of Human Sexual Experience - namely trance state, role enactment and partner engagement. The latter is the one which seems to be highlighted most in mainstream Western culture, and is concerned with love, romance and union. The second one emphasises playing out erotic fantasies. Trance state emphasises introspective attention to one’s own embodied arousal, and can therefore be partnered or enjoyed solo. People may have a proclivity or preference for one dimension over another, but Mosher recommends that individuals learn to use all three dimensions of sexual experience in order to create balance and “actualisation of sexual potential”. Good news for single people!
Whether you want to develop your trance state dimension/mindful self-pleasure practice as a form of self-care, to increase confidence or libido, to enjoy the feel-good release of oxytocin, or to pique your interest as a precursor to dating, the experts say it is normal, and physically and emotionally healthy and healing. Haines continues;
…learning to be connected to your own body, sensations and emotions is a cornerstone of healing. Coming back into yourself by contacting your sensations and emotions will allow you to move through pain… Too often we assume that the right relationship will take care of our struggles around sex or (dis)trust. And to some extent a relationship can help us work through those struggles. But the only person we have a lifelong sexual relationship with is ourselves. We bring this relationship with ourselves to all of our other sexual relationships. It becomes the template for sex and intimacy with everybody else. Getting to know yourself sexually and having a positive relationship with your pleasure are fundamental to whatever kind of sex and intimacy you want with others.
Single parents reading this may find themselves feeling pressure, and that this is yet another thing on their To Do list or something that they need to “improve” about themselves. Mindful self-pleasure practices may not be for you in your life right now, or at all. There is no “one size fits all”. However, it is worth noting that you can bring your eros into everyday life in small and gentle ways. Mindful self-pleasure is free from the agenda of chasing climax.
5 ways you can explore embodied pleasure for healing:
Savour the flavours in a meal or the feeling of the sun on your skin.
Notice how long you can stay present in mindful engagement with something pleasurable before your attention floats off. Then gently bring your attention back. If you notice yourself wanting to be away from the experience instead of present for it, what is it like to notice that? There may be information there for you. To get really good at being present to pleasure, practise noticing and feeling yourself from the neck down in your everyday life.
Slow down. The subject of time can be a sore subject for single parents. There never seems to be enough of it! But if you can make time and prioritise sensual pleasure, you will reap the benefits. In some touch-based activities, Dr Betty Martin instructs us to “slow down the speed of movement…then halve the speed…then halve the speed again”. This allows us to more fully experience and savour the sensations and messages sent through our nervous systems.
Do the research! You may like to Google some of the content of this article. You could Google Orgasmic Yoga (which is kind of a misnomer as the intention is not orgasm-chasing!), and try some of the exercises.
If you are interested in deeper explorations and are able to invest in yourself, you might like to see a therapeutic practitioner such as an Embodiment and Sexual Wellness Practitioner, or Sexological Bodyworker (please see further reading below). This type of practitioner can introduce you to techniques and practices in a safe, supportive and empowering environment. Sessions are client-led, always include talking and may include work on anatomy, breath, consent and touch. Clients report that the techniques help them feel more pleasure in their bodies. You can then incorporate these techniques and widen your repertoire, helping you to show up as the superhero single parent that you are.
Rachel Siân is a single mother and has over twenty years of teaching experience, and is currently training in Certified Sexological Bodywork. CSB is a unique combination of embodiment and mindfulness that enables clients to feel more pleasure in their bodies. Sessions always have an educational purpose, and practitioners abide by a clear code of ethics. Rachel is currently undertaking supervised client sessions, and is planning to launch her own business after qualifying later this year. She is passionate about supporting women to empower themselves and improve their sexual well-being and capacity for pleasure in a safe, supportive and creative environment. She can be contacted regarding this work on rachelsiancsb@gmail.com.
Sources/Further Reading
https://www.beautyindependent.com/whats-behind-sexual-wellness-retail-revolution/
https://www.insider.com/sex-party-company-is-hosting-an-online-orgy-on-zoom-2020-3
https://sexcoachu.com/what-is-sexological-bodywork/
Staci Haines – Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma
David M. Schnarch – Constructing the Sexual Crucible: An Integration of Sexual and Marital Therapy
https://bettymartin.org/hands/
Dr. Martha Tara Lee – Orgasmic Yoga: Masturbation, Meditation and Everything In-between
Betty Dodson – Sex for One
Emily Nagoski – Come as You Are
https://www.wellandgood.com/what-is-a-sexological-bodywork-kimberly-johnson-wmn-space/
Kristin Neff – Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
Ann Weiser Cornell – The Power of Focusing: Finding your Inner Voice
Ron Deal – Dating and the Single Parent
Laura Friedman Williams - Available