Supporting your transgender child as a single parent
Hi, my name is Samuel. I’m a transgender man and the son of a single mum. I wanted to write this blog as a resource for single parents whose child may be questioning their gender identity or who may even be trans themselves and provide insight and resources that can support both you and your child.
(please see footnote for a list of terms and their definitions)
Firstly, what is being “transgender”?
By definition the term “transgender” is used to refer to a person whose assigned sex and gender at birth, which is usually based on the appearance of external genitalia, does not align with their gender identity (one’s psychological sense of their gender). It is common for transgender individuals to experience “gender dysphoria” which is psychological distress that stems from the incongruence between the individual’s assigned at birth gender and their internal identity. Some individuals may also experience “gender euphoria” (the opposite of gender dysphoria) which is the joy and comfort that arises when a person’s internal identity aligns with their body, behaviours or how others perceive and interact with them.
What are some common traits/experiences a transgender person may have?
Of course no two people share the same experiences, and this also applies to transgender individuals. But there are some common experiences or characteristics that they may share including:
Experimenting with sexuality/exploring labels.
More than typical/intense distress regarding puberty and its effects.
Struggling to relate to their peers they share their assigned gender with.
Desires or fantasies about being the other gender.
Envy of those of the opposite gender.
My personal experience
I first realised that there was something different around age ten. I had began puberty around a year earlier and was noticing the first significant differences between me and the boys in my class. As we all got older and moved into high-school I became starkly aware that I was different from the boys around me as well as not feeling comfortable or belonging with the girls either, but I didn’t have the language or understanding to express so.
I tried to “fix” the problem by experimenting with my appearance and sexuality like a lot of teenagers typically do. I attached myself to different labels such as, “bisexual” or “lesbian”, I used “they/them” pronouns and my sense of style constantly shifted too. I enjoyed dressing in both a masculine and androgynous manner. However it’s also important to note that I even tried to be as feminine as possible, including using things like makeup despite how viscerally uncomfortable I felt wearing it. I believe it was an attempt to drown out my insecurities out of shame or fear of what my family and friends would think if they knew.
It wasn’t until I had been walking home after school in year 9 when an elderly man referred to me as “lad” as he apologised for bumping into me did I truly realise I liked being seen as a boy. Shortly after I came out to my friends and began my social transition and asked to be referred to the NHS Children and Young People’s Gender Services in 2018. Unfortunately it wasn’t until 2022 that I had my first appointment. In early 2023 I came out in full to my family and began the medical side of my transition.
How to navigate your child if they are questioning their gender identity?
It is normal for very young children to experiment with gender identity through play, however in this context “questioning” refers to older children, usually of pubescent age, exploring their gender identity and/or sexual orientation. Chances are most children/teens will not outright tell you that they are having questions about who they are attracted to or that they are uncomfortable in their bodies. Instead this is usually seen through the clothes they wear, makeup and hobbies. Mental health experts stress the importance of providing a safe space and unconditional support for children during this period. That means explicitly letting your child know that you love them, accept them, and stand by them — even if you’re confused or upset by the thoughts and feelings they’re having. Being comfortable enough to express these feelings to their friends, parents and even themselves can take a long time and is often a painful period.
Often times pushing your child to talk about any changes you have noticed may cause more upset. Try to keep the conversation light and open-ended. For example, saying, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been dressing differently lately.” or “So-and-so told me you’re going by a nickname.” could make your child feel pressured to answer. Instead emphasise your support and reassure them, “I hope that you know that I’m here for you, no matter what.” is a good example. Provide them space and reassurance and eventually your child will talk to you in their own time.
How to support your transgender child as they navigate their transition?
There are many areas that your child will need your support in during their transition, both emotionally and practically. Here are some good places to start:
Always use the preferred name and pronouns of your child.
This may be difficult at first, especially as your child may change their name and pronouns frequently until they find what suits them. If you slip up simply apologise, correct yourself and move on.
Be your child’s advocate – call out transphobia when you see it and ask that others respect your child’s identity.
Whether it’s friends, family or strangers you should address and correct transphobia directed towards your child or others. You should also encourage your child to stand up for themselves when it is safe to do so, and to set boundaries when necessary.
Educate yourself about the concerns facing transgender youth and adults.
Unfortunately transgender people face significant prejudice. By educating yourself about these issues you will be able to better support and understand your child.
Learn what schools can and should do to support and affirm your child.
School is often the biggest grounds for your child’s social transition, however many schools and their faculty lack the knowledge and training on how to accommodate and support transgender pupils. Arrange meetings with school staff, communicate and advocate.
Support yourself.
This period can understandably cause distress, uncertainty and worry, and you as the parent also deserve to be supported through it. Look into support groups, especially those for other parents of transgender children. You may even want to seek counselling, either as a family or individually, to help you navigate this experience.
Remember that your child is ultimately still the same individual.
By this I mean that at the end of the day, your child’s transition does not make them a stranger. You do not need to ‘grieve’ the person that they were, or that you thought they might be. Their appearance and personality may shift but that does not invalidate the history you share together. Spend time with them, whether that’s through activities the two of you have previously enjoyed or new experiences. Your love and support is one of the most valuable things in their life.
Footnote – Vocabulary definitions:
Transgender – An adjective to describe people whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth.
Cisgender – An adjective used to describe people who are not transgender. “Cis-” is a Latin prefix meaning “on the same side as,” and is therefore an antonym of “trans-.” A cisgender person is a person whose gender identity is aligned with the sex they were assigned at birth.
AFAB/AMAB – Acronyms short for Assigned Female At Birth and Assigned Male At Birth.
Transition – Transition is the process a person undertakes to bring their gender expression and/or their body into alignment with their gender identity. It is a complex process that occurs over a long period of time and the exact steps involved in transition will vary from person to person. Transitioning can include:
Social transition – Telling family, friends, and co-workers, using a different name, using different pronouns, dressing differently, starting or stopping wearing make-up and jewellery, etc
Legal transition – Changing your name and/or sex marker on documents like a driver’s license, passport, Social Security record, bank accounts, etc.
Medical transition – Hormone replacement therapy and/or one or more surgical procedures.
Gender dysphoria – Gender dysphoria is a term that describes a sense of unease that a person may have because of a mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity.
Transgender man – A man who was assigned female at birth may use this term to describe himself. He may shorten it to trans man. (Note: trans man, not “transman.”) Some may prefer to simply be called men, without any modifier. Use the term the person uses to describe their gender.
Transgender woman – A woman who was assigned male at birth may use this term to describe herself. She may shorten it to trans woman. (Note: trans woman, not “transwoman.”) Some may prefer to simply be called women, without any modifier. Use the term the person uses to describe their gender.
Nonbinary – Nonbinary is an adjective used by people who experience their gender identity and/or gender expression as falling outside the binary gender categories of “man” and “woman.” Many nonbinary people also call themselves transgender and consider themselves part of the transgender community. Others do not. Nonbinary is an umbrella term that encompasses many different ways to understand one’s gender. You may also hear nonbinary individuals as an ‘enby’ or ‘enbies’, this is a noun that replaces girl/girls and boy/boys.