The First Six Months of Being a Single Parent: What I Wish I’d Known (And It’s Not What You Might Think)

Rachel Brydon, Director at Single Parents Wellbeing, shares what the first six months of single parenthood really taught her - and the advice she wishes someone had given her at the start.

The early days of becoming a single parent can feel overwhelming in ways you don’t expect. Alongside the practical changes, there’s also a shift in how you carry the emotional and mental load of family life. What helped me most wasn’t big life changes, but small mindset shifts that made everyday life feel manageable again. Here are the things I wish someone had told me at the beginning.

1.Breathe

Okay, okay - I know you all know how to breathe. You’ve been doing it all your life. Honestly though, you’ll probably be carrying more tension and stress than you realise, and sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Take a deep breath and assess what it is you really need. 

You’ll likely have expectations of what life should look like, what you should get done, and how you should show up - because being one adult holding the mental and emotional load is very different from being part of a partnership.

I always talk about juggling balls. Some days I can manage all 20 in a magnificent display of creativity and agility. Other days, throwing one ball up and catching it feels like a lot. What I’ve learned is that it’s much better to be intentional about which balls I calmly place on the ground to pick up another day. Your house doesn’t have to look perfect, sometimes eating out or a ‘picky’ dinner is the best option, and sometimes you won’t have the time to give other people your full attention. Get real with what you can manage, and then it’s easier to release the guilt too.

2. Make Decisions

There will be times when you feel frozen with indecision. Often this happens because we think decisions are permanent and the consequences are insurmountable. I always say: make the best decision you can with the information you have. Then if new information or resources changes your mind, that's ok too as you're then making a new decision with the information you have available to you. What is never useful is to avoid all the decisions. 

This can feel especially raw if, when you were in a relationship, you talked things through together, it can feel alien or destabilising to have to do them all on your own. Start smaller, work out what days you are working if that needs to change, or if you need to cancel some subscriptions or activities. Then work onto bigger decisions that will impact others too. 

3. Talk and find your tribe

Humans are naturally quite self-centric. We assume people will understand where we’re coming from because we see everything through our own lens. The truth is, they often don’t - unless we tell them.

Friends and loved ones usually do want to understand and help, but they need to know what life actually looks like for you. If a particular school pick-up causes chaos because of the work juggle, say so. If something about single parent life has surprised you, share that too.

At the same time, finding people who simply get it can make a huge difference. One of the greatest gifts I’ve had as a single parent has been building a community of friends where I don’t have to explain or justify things - they just understand.

I found that through Single Parents Wellbeing by going along to walking meet-ups and activities like skateboarding or trips to the local lido with my son. Being around people with similar interests and a similar home-life situation meant support, camaraderie and new friendships - not just for me, but for my son too.

Our family life may look different to some, but it’s completely normal - and most importantly, happy and healthy.

4. Tune into your needs

It is very likely that at some point along the way of heading into single-parent territory or once you become a single parent, you’ll have lost a bit of who you are. This is something that happens a lot anyway when you become a new parent, but the shock to the system of all things single parent life can take its toll. 

Obviously you have to prioritise the big things first, where you’re living, co-parenting arrangements and finances, however it’s really important that you make time to notice what is going on with you. This isn’t some toxic positivity advice either - this is about knowing what your priorities are. It’s that old adage of putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others. To be a great parent, you need to look after yourself as well. If you’re struggling with time no amount of yoga class suggestions are going to help, but if you’re feeling anxious all the time making a GP appointment and making it a habit to do some deep breathing exercises as you fall asleep will help. If you need more social time and human connection in your life, then finding those groups like SPW that do activities with children and as a group of adults, will be key to making it work.

Without a doubt though, you need to treat yourself with some compassion and a touch of realism that we’re not actually meant to do all the things all the time, so some grace to know it’s not you, it’s a new reality.

5. Have a F**k It Bucket

Do you know what we all will do every week or month? We will mess up or fail. Sometimes spectacularly, and other times in ways that no one else will even notice. In order to move on, you have to make peace with that.. Have a FIB aka a F**k It Bucket.

Whenever you have a moment of realisation that some of those balls have indeed smashed to the floor, you give yourself permission to chuck it into the FIB. 

Holding onto a rigid idea of how things should be, and trying to measure up to something impossible, is not good for your mental health. Instead acknowledge it, and if there is something glaringly obvious you can do to change it next time, do that and then throw away the rumination, the shame, and the guilt. On another day, with more time, money, energy - or even a second adult - you might have been able to do it. It’s ok that today wasn’t that day. Not only is this healthier for you, it’s showing your children how to move on from mistakes and failures and to concentrate on the things that actually matter. 

And sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply take a breath, empty the bucket, and start again tomorrow.

You can join us at one of our upcoming meet ups by checking out our events here.

Written by Rachel Brydon